EIGHT - A sigh of relief.
After Tanner had asked for the code word and I responded with the correct answer, we both had a sigh of relief. I don't remember too much from that night after surgery. I was on a lot of medication to keep me comfortable. All I remember are the countless neuro exams, while also trying to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. My left eye was slowly turning black and swelling shut, and I can remember that being the most annoying feeling. I am sure I had a headache, given what had just happened but I can't remember it being anything noteworthy (thank you painkillers). Tanner brought me dinner each night when he would visit, and sometimes a snack for the middle of the night in case I got hungry. I had lost my appetite for quite a while after surgery, but definitely made up for it once I was prescribed steroids. One minute you are so full, and the next minute you are so hungry it hurts.
Wednesday and Thursday are pretty much a blur, but also nothing all that crazy happened. At the start I had sequential compression devices (thanks Choch) to avoid blood clots as I wasn't allowed to get out of bed for around 24 hours. It's not easy to fall asleep when these things squeeze/vibrate on your legs every 30 seconds (at least it felt like every 30 seconds). Once I was able to get out of bed, I was helped to the bathroom, and when Tanner got there they trusted him enough to take me for a walk in the hall (these were big outings for me haha).
Days revolved around sleep and asking when Tanner was supposed to be coming. Even though he was only allotted an hour visit each day, sometimes the nurses would just close the curtain so no one could see he was still there, or let him sign up for two visits a day (again, these nurses were EVERYTHING). When he was gone I tried to reply to as many text messages as possible, even a small reply to let people know I was okay. I Facetimed my family a couple times to see that my nephews were living their best life at the hotel. The first time I called, they were being pushed by my Mom up and down the hall on a rolling chair, eating chocolate bars, and loving every second of it. They headed home Thursday evening after hearing I was doing well and that I could possibly be going home on Friday (as long as Thursday night went smoothly). Tan continued to visit as much as possible and by Thursday night I had graduated from just walking to climbing a set of stairs.
Friday morning rolled around and rounds started early. I was given a rundown about what to expect today and had been told that I may be able to go home. I asked if I could take the bandage off of my head as it was putting a lot of pressure on my now completely swollen shut eye. They said yes and slowly unwrapped my head. This was the moment of truth, how much hair did they take? They gave me a mirror once the bandage was removed and I was in such shock that I couldn't even cry. I remember a doctor asking what I thought. I said, "He took more than I thought he was going to". He reassured me that hair grows back and that he took that much to lower the risk of infection (how can you argue with that).
I had more than half of my head shaved and 60 staples along the incision line. The incision started at the top of my forehead and went back to about the middle of my head and then down to my ear. I remember sending Tan a pic of my hair before he came to visit on Friday, and low and behold he shows up to the hospital with half of his head shaved too. This instantly put me into tears. I was thinking about how much hair was gone, but also wondering how I got so lucky with this human!? He will literally do anything to put a smile on my face. He came in and hugged me while I sobbed. I know it's just hair and I should be thankful that the surgery went the way it did, and I was, but I was also sad about my hair and I allowed myself to be sad for a little bit. Tan said repeatedly, "It's okay Braun, it's just hair, you're beautiful", and I knew he was right, but I needed a good cry! Once I had gotten myself back together, I decided to let it go, in the grand scheme of things it is just hair, and I was fortunate enough to have had a major surgery with no complications. My hair was never anything all that great anyways, it was thin and fairly brittle, so hey, maybe it would grow back nice and thick!!
Once we had the hair issue behind us, I was so excited to tell him that on our daily walk that we finally got to go up some stairs. He looked more scared than I was. "Are you sure? They said you could do that?". It's crazy to think just under 48 hours ago I had had brain surgery and now here I was climbing a set of stairs! We also did a couple laps of the hallways and then I headed back to bed.
My surgeon had arrived while Tanner was there and he said he was happy with how everything went and that they believed they were able to get it all. He would follow up with me once the biopsy had been returned to determine what type of tumour it was, and we were to come back down for a follow up, likely in 3-4 weeks time. At this point he had given me the "go ahead" to head home. Tanner and I instantly looked at each other then back at him. We both asked,"are you sure"? I mentioned I would stay as long as he thought was necessary and was in no rush if he wanted me to stay another day or two to be monitored. I remember thinking, "you have to be kidding me, I'm well enough to leave"? With reassurance, he said everything looked good and he was confident enough to send me home. I met with an OT who asked me to do multiple movements and asked about what home and life looked like for us, so they could determine if I could handle it. I like to say I passed with flying colours (although turning around in a circle after brain surgery wasn't fun) so we were heading home! I couldn't wait to see my Roo!
After going through what medications I needed and when to take them all, Tan went down and pulled up the car and wheeled me down. Reality set in - I was so happy to go home but I was as scared as I've ever been. I Facetimed my Dad in the elevator on the way down and remember him crying tears of joy that I was coming home. I then called my Mom, sister, and Alana, as they were all shocked, and thought no way could I be going home. It had only been 48 hours! The car ride was long (my swollen eye was producing a tear about every 2 minutes) but I couldn't wait to see Wren. I had asked that Tan's parents tell Wren that Mommy had a booboo on her head, to prep her for how I looked. I got home and walked as fast as I could into the house. Wren was having her nap so it gave us a good amount of time to get situated before she woke up. She was great! She came and snuggled and looked at my booboo and life went on, as normal as it could have. I wasn't allowed to lift anything over 10 lbs. so I needed all the help I could get at this point, but I was home! There is no better feeling than coming home!
LIFE LESSONS:
Don't fret the small stuff. Yes I was sad about having to shave my head, but when I stepped back to look at the big picture, it was such a small detail. I had the best family, an amazing husband, and the most precious little girl. Those are the things to focus on.
You have a lot of people that love you. The help that our families have given us throughout all of this is monumental, and there are no words to describe the outpour of support from our friends and community!
MEDICAL SUGGESTIONS:
You are stronger than you think. Yes, a lot of day to day tasks seem harder than they used to be right now, but they do get easier with time. Be patient with yourself, you will get there! Take it one day at a time.
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