FIVE - The Blur.
I often refer to the time period between June 2nd - June 14th as "The Blur" as it was so surreal it required its own name. June 2nd was my first scan and up until June 14th I can't recall many things that I did or didn't do.
I was now off work until who knows when, but I was feeling fine. Normally I was never off work unless I felt ill, or was taking care of Wren if she was ill. I found myself unsure how to fill my days. I was lucky enough that Tanner was also off, and his job allowed him to spend some extra time at home since the news. I was surrounded by my family consistently for those 12 days and it is exactly how I wanted to spend my time.
I remember small things here and there. My mind was so full of worries and questions that I remember again, just going through the motions and not being overly present at any point in time. I was constantly trying to reassure myself that everything would be okay, while also getting prepared and putting plans in place for Wren while we would be in London. I was trying to find some joy and light in the day to day. I remember the text messages slowly coming in when people started to find out, people dropping by, and the hugs that were constant. I remember we had a beach day with all the kids, and that is one day that everything seemed to stop for a minute, and I felt content and peaceful.
I remember the "I'm so sorry's" and the "how can we help's". I remember being so thankful for the love my family was being shown in such a dark time. But I remember also feeling so mad and frustrated for the majority of those days. How could I be so mad when everyone is showing us so much love? Your brain is the craziest thing, although there was a large mass on mine, it seemed to be firing on all cylinders. I have never been one to suffer from mental health problems, but I could feel my mental health changing day by day. To have no control over that, is petrifying and crippling.
As the days went on, I became much more anxious as our surgery date of June 16th was fast approaching. I was slowly packing a bag of the essentials (mostly pj's) as I didn't know how long I would be in the hospital. We had a ton of family dinners, and tried to keep everything as light and normal as possible. Wren was living her best life and getting to play with her cousins almost every day. The days went on, but again I can't give too many specifics as "The Blur" was real.
June 14th rolled around and it was almost go time! Tanner's parents made it to town as they were going to be watching Wren for 2 weeks while we were in London, and then when we got home, since we didn't know what that would entail. Wren was beyond excited to see them when they arrived, and I knew she was in the most loving hands.
We were heading down to London on the 14th as I had an embolization procedure on the 15th. Tan and I were going to stay the night at a hotel because we needed to be at the hospital early the next morning. Leaving Wren and saying goodbye that afternoon was one of the absolute hardest things I have ever had to do. I started giving extra hugs about 30 minutes before we had to leave because I knew I was sad, but a toddler doesn't stop for much (especially when Nana and Papa had just arrived). I gave hug after hug and told her I would miss her, and that I loved her. This is probably one of the hardest memories to re-live. I was happy she had no idea what was going on, but I so badly wanted her to understand how much I loved her! Tanner said his goodbyes and we thanked his parents for being so helpful. We knew she was in for the best two week vacay with Nana and Papa, putting our minds at ease so we could focus on the task at hand. Closing the door with a couple tears, we were going to take care of this tumour and get back to our baby girl, no matter what it took! We were off to London for surgery!
LIFE LESSONS:
Living in a fairly small community is amazing! Although news travels fast (good or bad), it’s amazing to see and hear the overflowing amount of love and support you receive in tough times. It literally left Tanner and I speechless, and we can’t thank everyone enough!
Slow down, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Life can pass you by in the blink of an eye. Life gets busy, but if you're able, slow down and take it all in. You never know what tomorrow holds.
MEDICAL SUGGESTIONS:
Dealing with your mental health isn’t easy! I have never had to deal with anxiety, but it hit me like a ton of bricks and scared the living daylights out of me. I was left feeling like I was always “waiting for the other shoe to drop” and thinking about my health and my future was overwhelmingly terrifying. I know finding strategies and ways to cope aren’t things that happen overnight, but as I am working on it myself, I’ve been told it’s worth it! If you suffer from any sort of mental health, REACH OUT! Call your mom, your sister, your best friend, ANYONE! If you're reading this and struggling with mental health, I also hope you can find peace in knowing you're not alone, and there are always people cheering you on! Take it one day at a time!
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