LOVED ONE - Mackenna’s Perspective
“Braun has a brain tumour”. 5 words I never expected to hear when I answered the phone call from my mom that Wednesday night. Before she could even say the words, I knew from what felt like an eternity of silence that something was wrong. In that time, dozens of scenarios ran through my head - I’m certain that my heart was running at a rate that would alarm all cardiologists in the city. When the words finally came through the phone, I was left with complete and utter shock. These 5 words did not even come close to making the list of possibilities that I had drawn up - yet there they were, dangling in the air, waiting for my brain to resume functioning.
After hanging up the phone in a state of total disbelief, I broke down. My family jokes that they have never seen me cry but here I was: all alone as my 3 month old puppy was performing her best “zoomies” routine, sobbing. My heart was so heavy just imagining what Braun and Tanner must have been feeling in those moments. Now, 3 months later, my heart still carries that same weight when I think about it.
I have known Braun for 15 years - more than half of my life. In this time I have learned that she is brave, selfless beyond belief, and a ray of pure, golden sunshine. I looked up to her in many ways as I made my way through teenage-hood but have never looked up to her more than I have in these past few months. I have always known that she’s strong (don’t forget she’s married to my brother!), but I have now learned that her strength would put Hercules, the god of strength itself, to shame. I am proud and lucky beyond measure to call her my sister-in-law.
I like to make jokes about my brother but truthfully: if you’re reading this and you find yourself in a similar situation, I can only hope that you have a Tanner by your side. I can’t imagine a better person to support someone as they navigate trying times. He would move mountains for the people he loves.
Over the course of the next few days as more and more information was collected and decisions were made, a plan began to come together. In just over a week's time, Braun would go to London and undergo a craniotomy to have the M word removed. From the moment I was informed of the plan to the moment she came out of surgery on June 16th, I was an internal bag of mixed emotions just trying to maintain some semblance of exterior composure.
Let me walk you through some of what I was feeling:
GRATITUDE: I am not religious in the slightest but I thanked anything or anyone above that would listen for giving Braun the determination, courage, and good sense to speak up when she felt something was wrong. Had this not been caught when it did, we could have one day found ourselves in a different situation. Braun, thank you for reminding us all the importance of self-advocacy and for being a champion in it yourself.
WORRY: There were many moments where this emotion overshadowed all of the rest, and it was this one that kept me up at night. Coming from a medical background was both a blessing and a curse. Having a decent understanding of how the medical system works and the anatomy and physiology of the brain certainly helped to ground me in feeling confident that everything was going to be okay. On the other hand though, I know what it looks like when things go wrong post-operatively. Working in the ICU for 5 years, I became used to seeing worst case scenarios day after day after day. While I knew that this type of tumour and surgery had high success rates and generally positive outcomes, I had a difficult time ridding my mind of the worst-case scenarios I became so accustomed to seeing. Being at work and caring for patients fighting post-op complications in the time leading up to the surgery was far from easy, and I thank my wonderful colleagues (who double as friends) for their support on these days.
CONFIDENCE: What got me through these periods of worry was to remember who we were talking about here - BRAUNSTON SHLAKAT, a force to be reckoned with. In my core I so confidently knew that there was no way that this M word was going to let this take her away from her daughter Wrenley for any longer than was absolutely necessary. Wren has that effect. She’s a beacon of light that you hate to be away from. I may be biased but if you know her, you understand.
HELPLESSNESS: On a “normal” day I wished that my brother and I lived closer together. As you can imagine, on days when our family is dealing with bombs being dropped, that wish increases exponentially. As a nurse, I like to be there for people in their time of need and the inability to do that was not my favourite thing. I was so comforted that Braun’s amazing parents, sister and brother-in-law were all there to support and encourage Braun and Tanner as they navigated this figurative “bomb”.
AWE: I can only imagine that these days were an overwhelming whirlwind for Braun and Tanner.
News travels fast in a small-ish town - especially when you are seen sprinting through a golf course on mens night. I am pretty certain they would have been inundated with messages from the whole town. For this reason, aside from sending brief messages of love and support, I stuck mostly to receiving info from my parents. I vividly remember one of the first things Braun sent me a couple days after getting the news: a video of Wrenley dancing and laughing as if she had absolutely no cares or worries in the world. Braun and Tanner would do anything for their little girl, even when their world was turned upside down. After gushing over my niece’s cuteness, I asked Braun how she was feeling about everything. She responded “Shocked but ready to get it done”. I remember being in complete awe at her fierce bravery. This feeling has not faded since.
LOVE: There is nothing I love more than my family. Full stop.
Days passed as I juggled all these emotions and thoughts until we finally arrived at the day of the surgery. I have never felt time go by slower than it did that day. A minute felt like an hour. I am positive my dog could sense my anxiety. She sat on me all day as if she was my own fluffy little weighted therapy blanket.
When word finally got to me that surgery went well, a tidal wave of relief washed over me. I thought of that tidal wave washing over Braun when the sedation wore off and the health care team gave her the update. I thought of Tanner, Braun’s parents, and her sister who were waiting in London and how much it must have meant to them to feel that same wave of relief. I thought of it hitting my parents (who I haven’t mentioned much but trust me when I say that Tanner and I owe every ounce of strength we have to them). And finally, I thought of Wren and how grateful I was that she is young enough to not have to feel this tidal wave because she never had to feel the bomb that dropped in the first place.
Since that day, Braun has continued to inspire everyone around her with that strength and sunshine she exudes on a daily basis. Like most post-op courses there are ups and downs but I’m sure I can speak for everyone when I say how grateful we are to be where we are now. One day at a time. Onwards and upwards.
Hakuna Matata,
Choch 💗 (a.k.a Mackenna)
Lessons
Be your own advocate. No one else knows you or is more committed to you than YOU.
Surround yourself with good people - the ones you want to have around when those so-called bombs drop.
Take nothing for granted. Ever.
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