FOURTEEN-Post surgery, the list of things that I couldn't do heavily outweighed the things that I could do. Even though there are still a lot of things I don't think I'll be able to do for a little while longer, the list is getting small and I couldn't be happier. I have met with my therapist multiple times and have learned some really good coping skill that seem to be helping me move forward faster. The biggest thing I wanted to focus on was getting my confidence back, not just confidence about how I looked (my hair is slowly growing back, a lot curlier than I remember but hey, I'll take it), but just confidence that my body will do what it needs to do, if that makes sense.
Before all of this tumour nonsense I had confidence in my body. I did gymnastics most of my childhood and with that I gained strength, physically and mentally. Most of my hobbies included being active. I loved to run, short runs, long runs, hill sprints, anything. I loved to put my headphones in and just run. It helped me physically, but it was also how I "coped" primarily with a lot of life's challenges and emotions.
Now it all seems different. I second guess everything that has to do with being active. Have I ran too far? What if something happens when I am out on a run on my own? Is a walk just safer? Should I take someone with me? It's endless. I even second guess myself when it comes to lifting things. I was told 3 months post op that I could go back to lifting things again... and here I am almost 10 months post op and still thinking... oh is that too heavy? I'll just get Tanner to lift that. It all just sucks! I want to regain confidence in my body so that I can run until I feel like I physically can't anymore and not have to stop cause I am worried about overdoing it. I want to lift Wren up and not think, she getting heavier, maybe I shouldn't be lifting her? The worst part is that doctors have told me that when it comes to getting back to normal life, that I just need to listen to my body, which isn't what I used to do. Even if I was exhausted before, and I mentally wanted to keep going, I would have.
I understand there will be limitations for a while, and most of them I have put on myself, not anyone else. I am grateful to be able to move my body and do the things I enjoy even if they aren't exactly how I used to do them... yet. Some days are just harder to come to terms with that than others.
BUT... looking forward I am slowly coming up to the one year mark, and I want to make some goals. I have so many exciting things coming up this year. My two best friends and my sister-in-law are getting married, Wren will be celebrating her third birthday, and we get to go to a couple of concerts. I want to start focusing more on what I can do, instead of what I can't.
I work best when there is a goal set. I can see it, I know it, which in turn makes it a little bit easier to achieve. Even if they are just small/funny goals, I find that each time I achieve one now the celebrations of reaching them just seem to be a bit bigger.
A couple of goals to achieve by the end of 2022:
Run 10km - not timed. Just do it and enjoy it, without a second thought.
Water ski - We have an annual weekend where my whole family gets together at my Aunt and Uncle's house on the water. The summer of 2020 my uncle taught me how to water ski. It was literally one of the most fun things I have done in a long time. It took a lot of tries to finally get up, but once I did it was awesome. So this goal may seem silly to some, but it is one that I want to try to push myself to do again this summer.
Here is to hoping these goals are achieved!!
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